Thursday, 9 April 2015

Everything is beautiful...to someone

Everything is beautiful to someone
Every inch and every mile, every person every smile
Wherever you might roam, you’ll always find a home because
Everything is beautiful to someone.

Everything is wonderful to someone
The ugliest little dog, a mosquito-ridden bog
It doesn't matter what it is, it could be hers, it could be his
With so much from which to choose, you cannot ever lose because
Everything is wonderful to someone.

Everything is marvelous to someone
A stinky, filthy stock, a piano tune by Bach
It could be anything you dream, or a vanilla cone from the Dairy Queen
With a world of things to see, you are loved just like me
Because everything is marvelous to someone

Everything is beautiful to someone
Every square and every round, every sight and every sound
The trick is to truly see all the beauty that is free because

Everything is beautiful to someone.

Friday, 9 January 2015

Meditations while cleaning house

If there were money in dust bunnies, I'd be a billionaire
I'd grow fat off the profits that grow from the locks of my hair

I'd buy diamonds galore with the fluff from the floor
And cat fur would pay for my house

I'd go on great trips via planes, trains and ships
And I'd spend all my nights getting soused.





Wednesday, 7 January 2015

It’s Christmas


I know it’s Christmas if someone is trying to fob off a tin of cookies on me. The cookies I don’t mind, but what’s all this business of giving me tin after tin, year after year? What am I supposed to do with 127 cookie tins of various shapes and sizes? Build condos for the neighbourhood squirrels? Insulate my walls? Sell them on eBay?

It’s Christmas if I suddenly get the urge to poke inflated snowmen and Santas with a sharp stick while simultaneously critiquing my neighbours’ light displays, or lack thereof in some cases. I mean, c’mon—what’s with the houses with the single string of lights? If you’re only gonna do one string, why even bother? It’s not like these people do anything interesting with that one string either, like use it to strangle a garden gnome or give Jesus’ manger running lights.

I don’t hang lights. If I did some schmuck like me would come along and sneer down her nose at my LED splendor. Much better to be the sneerer than the sneeree. Besides, my neighbours can sneer all they like at the mess of my front yard spring through fall.

It’s Christmas if my husband is receiving at least fifteen packages in the mail every day that I either have to sign for, pay for, lug, tug, or drag into the living room, or otherwise deal with. I know all the courier guys by name. One of the perils of working at home, while living with a geek who has an outside job and likes to shop online, is that one becomes a de facto personal assistant. Signing for mail, relaying calls, foiling murder plots, that sort of thing.

I also know it’s Christmas if I need emergency dental work from grinding my teeth so hard whenever I hear “Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!” that they shatter. Seriously, don’t you just want to smack the crap outta that little girl in It’s a Wonderful Life? That annoying nasality combined with the icky sweetness of ringlets. I want to punch her hard in the face then set fire to her friggin’ petals.

It’s Christmas if everyone is suddenly nice to me for no apparent reason but then turn ugly the moment I reach for that last Toblerone. Scratch that. I’m not all that fond of Toblerone. I eat it because it’s a sin to waste chocolate, but I’m not fond of how the nougat sticks in my teeth. So ... It’s Christmas if everyone is suddenly nice to me for no apparent reason but then turn ugly the moment I reach for that last block of on-sale Philadelphia™ cream cheese.

But I also know it’s Christmas by some of the cards and holiday letters we get. For a few years, my sister-in-law sent us ones with an evil-looking drunk Santa singing in the gutter on the front. One year, my friend Peter sent one with Adolph Hitler, in classic raised-arm Nazi salute on the front; the inside read “Heil be home for Christmas.” These cards are in return for the odd (and sometimes sacrilegious) Christmas greetings we’ve been sending out now for more than 20 years. Each year, we spend at least a month or so doctoring cheesy boxed Christmas cards with conversation bubbles from the Saturday comics; the inside messages are similarly doctored with the help of donated magazines.

Christmas letters from friends and family far away keep me up to date and with what their children look like or in some cases do. The son of a friend of mine broke his arm three years running and to make up for not breaking it last year, he instead devised a banner with felt lions and bears and the words “Jesus is awesome” emblazoned on it for his first Communion. Apparently, the priest “loved the lions”.

Christmas is the best and the worst holiday of the year. It’s always great to reconnect with friends and family and the food is always good. But there never seems to be enough time to do anything and the season always makes me anxious. We have no children and don’t have to travel anywhere but the stress coming off other people seems to osmote straight into me. Don’t even get me started on the folks who start lining up outside stores on Christmas night for the Boxing Day sales.


Christmas is now over for another year.  I’ll put the Christmas card craft boxes in storage, set aside my sharpened stick for the next eleven months and hope to hell that the leaning tower of cookie tins that I’ve built in the basement doesn’t fall over in the middle of the night and freak out the cats. 

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Even vampires need to bathe once in blue moon

The creature's hand snakes out from beneath the cardboard. One side of the coffin proclaims Frigidaire and This Side Up. It is a perfectly ordinary hand, if not a bit on the pale side, that shivers out, tentative at first, then with increasing confidence. The seemingly flimsy lid shoots up and hangs straight into the air for the briefest of moments, like a raised proletariat fist, and a black-haired head begins to rise from the refrigerator carton.

It is Dracula of course. His canines glisten in the streetlights, arrows of light slice the wallpaper of the motel room. His black plastic cape is frayed at the bottom, with bits of lettuce and coffee grounds stuck to the hem.

He snaps his fingers. A bucket of hot water appears by his side. Snap! Another bucket. Snap! snap! and again snap! They steam and the great gobs of white mist envelope him as he upturns each bucket into the coffin.

He shakes off his compost-y cape, lays it gently on the musty motel bedspread, and undresses quickly. The steam wraps his thin body, giving it a sheen of shimmering lustre. His legs, arms, body, are white, whiter than the whitest Christmas snow.

He dips in a toe. Ooh...aah! He puffs up a plastic pillow and fastens it to one end of the makeshift tub, then gingerly climbs in.

With a sniff then a scowl at his armpits, Dracula spits his teeth out into his hand and plops them into a nearby water glass, then sinks slowly down into the warmth.




New in the brunch world

There oughta be a North American version of dim sum where the waitresses all wear pink polyester uniforms and call you "honey" as they roll their carts full of waffles, flapjacks and sausage through the throngs of late Sunday morning bingo players.

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

First snowstorm 2013

I love to go a wandering,
Along the park's white paths,
And as I go, I love to drink,
The beer from my knapsack.

Thursday, 29 August 2013

Nigel & Madge

Every Saturday morning, Nigel and Madge walked the five minutes from their house to The Cup & Saucer for breakfast. Nigel always took his eggs poached with rye toast, baked beans, and a small glass of tomato juice, onto which he sprinkled black pepper and stirred with his fork. He took his coffee black with one sugar. Madge drank tea and moved around the menu. Waffles one week. An omelet the next. A fruit plate here, a pancake there. She teased Nigel, calling him a "breakfast snob." She thought he should be more adventurous and try new things. All he would ever say to that was, "I like the way they poach the eggs here."

Nigel and Madge had been married for 22 years. They'd started dating in high school when Nigel had romanced Madge with Twix candy bars, games of gin rummy, and Brut 33 cologne.

Neither of them had much money, so most afternoons Nigel and Madge could be found at Nigel's house, playing gin rummy and eating Twix candy bars. Nigel's mother bought them by the box. Madge would bite off a piece, separate the cookie from the layer of caramel and chocolate with her teeth and tongue,  slide the biscuit to one side of her mouth, chew and swallow it, then suck the caramel and chocolate for up to several minutes. She could make a single Twix cookie last an hour.

One Friday night in November, Nigel invited Madge to dinner, along with his friend, Eddie and Eddie's girlfriend, Marina. Nigel's mother and younger brother, Michael, had eaten earlier. Michael had then gone to a sleep over and Nigel's mother was meeting some friends and wouldn't be back till late.

On his mother's advice, Nigel had served a simple menu: salad, pasta and bread from the bakery where he worked. Ice cream for dessert. Nigel crumbled up pieces of Twix into it. The only thing was, Madge arrived but Eddie and Marina never showed.

Madge was never sure whether Nigel had actually invited Eddie and Marina at all, or if the ploy had been the necessary prelude to his "big move." He and Madge had been dating now for several months and although they'd gone at it pretty hot and heavy at times, they still hadn't gone the whole enchilada. They hadn't had much opportunity. At Nigel's house, his brother was always around, or there was always the chance that his mother would switch shifts with someone at work and suddenly arrive home at 4, instead of her usual 6. Madge had three younger siblings and a father who yelled almost constantly; the situation was far worse at her house.

They ate by candlelight in the dining room. She usually slurped up spaghetti at home, sucking in individual strands and sending tomato sauce spray everywhere, but that night, she carefully twisted the noodles onto her spoon. Nigel had bought two bottles of wine, cheap reds, which they downed like grape juice. They were both drunk by the time dinner was over.

They cleared the table together, then Nigel lit a fire and they sat together in the family room in the dark, watching the flames. Before long they were making out, first on the couch, then on the floor. Nigel was wearing cologne that night, Brut 33, Madge learned later, when she lay back in the sheets of Nigel's bed and spotted the green bottle on his dresser.  She snuggled into his armpit, poked her cold nose, like a dog, into his neck and breathed deeply. The smell of him mixed with the cologne stayed on her hands for hours.

This Saturday morning, Nigel and Madge, as they always did, walked the five-minute walk to The Cup & Saucer. On the way, Madge talked about what she felt like eating.

"I can't decide whether I'm in a waffle mood or a French toast mood."

"Have both."

"There's no option for that on the menu."

Nigel thought, That's never stopped you before.

At The Cup & Saucer Connie took Madge's order.

"Sure, hon, no problem. You want whipped cream and fruit with ‘em?"

"On the side, please." 

Nigel's right eyebrow flickered ever so slightly.

Connie turned to Nigel. "Poached with rye and beans."

She didn't wait for him to reply and was turning away from the table when Nigel said, "Actually..."

A stunned Connie left the table to get their coffee and tea and Nigel turned to face an even more stunned Madge.

"Sunny side up? With bacon?" 

Madge thought, Who is she?

An image of Norah flashed into Nigel's mind's. He made a mental note to pick up a bottle of Brut 33.

"Honey," he sighed, opening up the newspaper, "You're the one who's always telling me to be more adventurous."